Atman

This connection feels exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. It fades in and out of my awareness. Yet, I must say, I never forget it completely. How can I when he keeps holding onto the same hope that I do?

I first met him when I was a new-born soul. I had just sparked off of the Infinite Spirit, a little denser than feelings. I was light. So was he. We were light. If light could giggle, I did when I saw him. I glowed into a pink light as I saw him. From the white light, he turned golden as he became aware of my presence.

Have you ever seen light floating towards each other? Possibly not, after all, I am speaking from a completely different perspective. We thought of it as awareness. We floated towards each other, and as we joined, we descended through the layers of awareness. As we floated through these different perspectives, as you would call it, we turned silver. You would expect pink and gold to make orange, but we are spirit, not logic. Especially, since we are not a third-dimensional logic. This makes complete sense in that space.

I let out a breathy chuckle and stretched myself a little more in my chair as I thought of the hope with which we came into our first few lives. At first, we would only choose to birth into worlds of peace and cohesion, much like our new union. The angels would look upon two silver souls floating in through the realms, chattering on about the pros and cons of different worlds.

Sometimes, in the way you would describe time, we would spend what equals a thousand aeons deciding where to go next. For us though, it was no time at all. Time does not pass in those states of awareness.

As we kept growing in experience, our souls garnered more and more depth. This depth came from lessons learned, karma gained, karma cleared, and love. We were love before being born as souls, we were love when we were born as souls, we were love when we took on lives, and we will keep being love. Yet, like the nature of all that is, which is infinite, our nature as love kept growing. With that, our love for each other also grew.

As time, as you would perceive it, went on, we grew more verbose in life. Out of lives, we became less babbly. We made quicker decisions. It was with this mindset, for yes, the mind is one of the things we have in common with your experience, we went to more challenging worlds.

Eventually, this decision led us to come to Earth. We took multiple births on Earth. One time, I was a priestess in Atlantis with him as my fellow priest. People would come to the crystal temple every day and all the priestesses and priests would offer them healing. Sometimes it involved counselling them. They too had their worries despite belonging to one of the most perfect civilizations Earth ever saw. I would often anchor light into me and channel it through my body to one seeking relief. You call this reiki now. I would place my hands on their back as he would keep his hands on either side of my head. He would add his strength to the healing so it would move faster. The sick would glow with life upon our demonstration of their ability. Yes, even you are capable of doing this and yes, they were too. It took dedication and realization.

Those were our early days on Earth. Upon passing on, we decided to yet again visit Earth. This time, we took a covert way. We walked the astral realms and met many Earthlings. We met others too, others from other planets. Our old friends from the past live in other star systems. At times, we stumbled into Earthlings getting in trouble with monsters, demons, and ghosts. So we decided to act as Spirit Guides for a couple of aeons. What people now call ghosts is inconsistent with what we consider ghosts. Ghosts to you may be anyone who has passed on and is not reborn yet. But ghosts to us are those souls who have passed on but are stuck in the astral and trapped in a lower vibration. Once they reach a higher vibration, we just call them souls. Our work in these situations was to help not only humans in trouble but also low-vibrational entities. We sat and counseled them for human days, and astral seconds or astral years. It varied.

Eventually, we decided to birth on Earth again. At times we were born as fawns who grew closer and fell in love, a deer and a stag. Sometimes we were born as boars, hunted down by arrows. Another time we were born as two girls, with a Sapphic love story. Yet another time we were two boys with the strongest bond that Earth decade had seen. We were born many times as lovers.

Then there was now, I looked down at my hands wringing them into my skirt. My eyes shut closed, thinking of my lack of conviction. This was the first lifetime we hadn’t met in the first two decades of our lives. And this was the first lifetime I remembered everything crystal clear. This was the first lifetime I could think from an elevated perspective while still being confined in a physical body. And while I knew he was out there. While I knew we had a soul contract to meet this lifetime. While I already loved him, with everything, with my soul. I looked at other men. Others said that it was good for me, it was shaping me into who I was supposed to be for my soulmate as he too was being shaped for me. That we were being shaped by our life experiences.

Yet, words fail when I think of how he is mirroring me at each moment emotionally. That he is having a hard time when I pine for affection. That he is crying when I am crying. That he is screaming when my heart feels like it is being ripped into two pieces.

Despite my impeccable eternal memory, I seemed to be ashamed of not thinking of him even for a moment when I sought validation elsewhere. Sometimes I blamed it on my human chemicals. But deep down I knew what I was doing. With my heightened memory, I had grown impatient. I wanted to be in a union. I remembered how it felt. I sought similarities to it elsewhere.

Wetness soaked through my blouse collar and drops fell on my wringing hands. I let out a helpless moan. Why did waiting for a union feel so heart-wrenching? I remembered how if I was crying, he was crying too. I tried to send some warmth through my heart. Some compassion through the etheric cord surely connected my heart but I could not feel where the cord ended. As it extended out of me in the etheric realm, it became invisible the further I tried to look. Lost in the dark. No idea where it went. Whom it went to.